Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Unsolicited Advice #20: Sex Ed

We would like to address the following post to our nonexistent male readership.

We are unable to recommend unsafe sex.

Regrettable as the condom may be from an aesthetic point of view, health and safety render it indispensable. Here, then, is a list of guidelines for the tasteful supply, disuse, use, and disposal of the sanitary rubber:

(1) If you happen to possess a penis, where ye be, so too let a profuse supply of condoms be (and glycerine-free lube).
(2) Don't flash yer condoms.
(3) When the time is ripe (and we will address the question of relative temporal ripeness when the time for such a discussion itself hangs heavy from the vine), be forthcoming with your condoms. Don't make your sexual interlocutor ask.
(4) Give foreplay its due, but as soon as the zipper of your well-stuffed britches descends (be it by agency of fingers or teeth), pull out the condom.
(5) Be prepared to sheath your own member, but be open to alternatives.
(6) Latex is a parching material. The wearer thereof assumes full responsibility for the application and reapplication of lubricant.
(7) Don't be stingy with your supply. If either orgasm or apathy should occasion an interlude, the lifespan of our latex friend has come to an end. Be prepared with a fresh one for later.
(8) When the sex has arrived at a conclusion, remove the condom and dispose of it (repackaged in its wrapper) in an appropriate receptacle.

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