The Misapplication of Math #1: Size

Introduction:

As a popular, witty blog of note, we feel motivated to deliver this message:

The cult popularity of skinniness, while seductive like Hedwig's more provocative dance numbers, doesn't really deliver on the making-your-life-suck-less front.

Methods:

Take it from someone whose closet contains 2s, 4s, 6s, 8s, and 10s.  (I'm a real-life statistician, so you can trust me):

Let X=dress size.

Let Y=relative happiness, measured by the inverse of the number of times folks on the streets tell you to smile.

Given the cultural belief that skinnier selves are happier selves, let the null hypothesis be (where a is just some scaling factor): 

Y=-aX

Results:

After a long data collection period (we're talking over a decade here) with significant variation in the independent variable, and through ordinary least squares regression, I have rejected the null at alpha=0.01 and developed this crappy model, whose r-squared value reflects that the unexplained variation is pretty much all the variation:

Y=100X

Discussion:

Skinnier = more people telling me to smile.  By a large factor.  And if you've never been told to smile by a stranger, then I'll let you know this: It sucks.

Policy Implications:

If only emotions listened to econometric reason the way the Federal government does, maybe there would be implications.

A. Gander (2009, forthcoming)

Announcement #1

The editors of this blogodrome, Practical Aesthetics, are unabashedly dames.  Our advice is designed for our own consumption.  

If you're butch or masculine or a dude or what-have-you, use our advice at your own risk.  Despite our abiding interest in gender piracy, we are only really experienced in the art of feminine gender performance.  From what we can tell masculine gender performance requires lots of props and words we don't understand.  

Bros?

Unsolicited Advice #13: Western Wear

The fortunate but indigent recipient of an invitation to a dinner in a nice restaurant may ask herself, “What the devil do I wear?”

We here at Practical Aesthetics are uniquely positioned to answer this question. We are intermittently indigent and consistently only willing to shop at thrift stores on half off day. But even given our limited access to the newest fashions in Portland’s Pearl District boutiques and Boulder’s Pearl Street salons, we manage to be fabulously dressed for all our fancy dinner dates.

The secret is to be young, to pay attention to color and fabric, and to not care what’s cool. Until recently we had no idea how important the first condition was. But as we approach our late twenties (we’re rat Aquarius and rat Pisces here), we are beginning to notice the toll of late nights in confusing loud bars, late nights in paper writing agony, late nights in proof writing agony, and early mornings with the dog.

But while we’re all still young…

Do: Have the courage to drag your 80's prom dress out of the closet and sport it with an appropriate fake fur shawl.  It's just hotter that way.
Don’t: Wear anything new, except shoes, gloves, and outer wear.
Do: Wear gaudy, gaudy costume jewelry made before 1955.
Don’t: Wear any jewelry made after 1955 unless your grandmother or some other benefactor gave it to you.
Do: Wear a scarf that matches whatever you’ve got on your legs.
Don’t: Match your handbag with your shoes unless you’re trying to look crazy.
Do: Wear a dress instead of a skirt and a blouse.  Pants are right out unless you have an unusually persuasive pair of culottes.   
Don’t: Wear a dress, hose, and shoes all of the same color. 
Do: Wear clean clothes, fresh hosiery, and a properly sized slip.
Don’t: Wear anything with holes in it unless the holes are conveniently located on the back of the garment and you are prepared to engage in acrobatic feats in order to remain facing your date at all times.  We only recommend going to these lengths for truly amazing articles.
Do: Wear cowboy boots, even if they're scuffed. They're likely to be your best shoes.

Dresses

As someone who wears dresses and skirts most days, this arbiter of taste would like to weigh in on the comments characterizable by the phrase "Oh, I love to see a girl in a dress."

It's tasteless. I'd love to see you in a dress, Buddy.

I'm looking fine today because I want to, not because I want you to be pleased by my conformist femininity.