Unsolicited Advice #22: Dress your boyfriend like a man

Residing in a wonderland of hipster delights, we briefly entertained the notion that a visit to a swanky men's store would allow us to inject a little freshness into our boyfriends' wardrobes.  However, our trip to Stag on South Congress was an unmitigated disappointment.

Gentle reader, we hail from the dark north woods.  We ply chainsaws up there, and one of us is no stranger to the utility of the quilted padding on the right shoulder of a plaid chamois shirt.  We appreciate the beautiful utility of men's outdoor work wear and we sympathize with the erstwhile businessman who wishes he spent more time engaged in manly outdoor pursuits.  These days we wish we did too.

There is an undeniable sexiness to once-stiff articles worn down by a single body's exertions into a shape at once intimate and protective, an unselfconscious record of experience.  Machine-worn articles just don't fit the same way.  

Rather than spending $150 on a butter-soft dove grey chamois shirt for your office-bound boyfriend at Stag, head to Cabella's and buy him a solid-color Woolrich chamois shirt.  Make him wear it on a bunch of hikes.  See if you can get him to split some wood.

We promise good results.

Unprovoked attack #3: Your wedding, your problem

If you have decided to be united with a beloved in holy matrimony, don't expect your friends to give pints of blood in service of "your special day".  It is in poor taste to have maids at your wedding who are responsible for managing your hysteria.  When the mascara and the nylons begin to run, don't run your ladies, run to your wo/man.

If you don't trust him/her enough to pick up the pieces of your broken plate, then you shouldn't be even asking those ladies to plunk down serious change on the unflattering taffetas your mother-in-law to-be selected via a series of polemical emails to the full bridal party.

Unsolicited Advice #21: How to develop and deliver an apology

When you have done something deeply wrong, for example picked a fight with your boyfriend at four AM, reparations are in order.  It is your responsibility to demonstrate that you have a scheme to avoid future peregrination down the path that led to your reprehensible behavior.

Step-by-step instructions:

1. Stop it!
2. Say you're sorry
3. Set aside some time for self-reflection, either in solitude or in the company of a helpful friend (not the aggrieved party)
• Identify the pattern of thought or deed that induced you, an otherwise kind and caring person, to comport yourself like a selfish fool
• Describe that pattern in precise, nonjudgmental human language (i.e. "lack of compassion" not "being dumb as a stump")
• Draw up a self-improvement plan that directly addresses the pattern in question*
4. Express your contrition to the injured party again.  Take responsibility by laying out the etiological relationship between your unfortunate pattern and the crummy thing you did.
• Consider sharing your self improvement plan with the target of your onslaught**

*The Dewey Decimal number for Self Help is 150.  The more enterprising, or less literate, might also look to hermit in a cave.

**User discretion is advised here. It is often unnecessarily self-indulgent to share your plan.

The Dating Destination

When facing the daunting challenge of selecting a suitable dating destination, the painfully sensitive among us are frequently overwhelmed by the complexities of the choice.  The arboretum, whose trees' latin name tags will compose themselves into a love poem of sorts through the course of your stroll?  Acer argutum Ficus macrophylla Paeonia japonica. Construct a poem.  A planetarium, a la Manhattan?  (If God fails to grace you with a rainstorm from which to seek shelter, a preparatory shower may be advisable).  This point may strike some as obvious, but food is good.  Why? Because it fills the mouth, obviating conversation.  Among the alternatives, choose a venue:

(1) that you have dined at at least twice, so that you will be familiar with the space, and feel fairly certain that the food is consistently good.

(2) whose fare you anticipate digesting comfortably, under the worst of circumstances.  Sushi, for example, rather than barbeque.

(3) that is counter-cultural neutral.

(4) where the food is shared.  Again, sushi, Ethiopean, tapas are good choices, because they introduce a little intimacy to the dining experience, and enable you to observe how your date handles thorny financial questions (does he/ she offer to pay for everything?  suggest you split it down the middle?  Offer absolutely nothing or all-too-eagerly accept your offer to pay?)

(5) whose bathroom lighting is flattering, so that you can find a little affirmation in the mirror every time you take a trip to the toilet.

(6) that is not super-cheap, but is affordable regardless of your income.  You don't want your date to face the embarrassment of ordering nearly nothing, though he/ she is ravenously hungry, because he/ she can't pay for the entrees.

(7) that serves drinks, so that in case things are going well (but perhaps not amazingly well), you aren't confronted by the awkward moment of deciding together whether to relocate to a bar in order to continue your conversation.

Unsolicited Advice #13: Western Wear

The fortunate but indigent recipient of an invitation to a dinner in a nice restaurant may ask herself, “What the devil do I wear?”

We here at Practical Aesthetics are uniquely positioned to answer this question. We are intermittently indigent and consistently only willing to shop at thrift stores on half off day. But even given our limited access to the newest fashions in Portland’s Pearl District boutiques and Boulder’s Pearl Street salons, we manage to be fabulously dressed for all our fancy dinner dates.

The secret is to be young, to pay attention to color and fabric, and to not care what’s cool. Until recently we had no idea how important the first condition was. But as we approach our late twenties (we’re rat Aquarius and rat Pisces here), we are beginning to notice the toll of late nights in confusing loud bars, late nights in paper writing agony, late nights in proof writing agony, and early mornings with the dog.

But while we’re all still young…

Do: Have the courage to drag your 80's prom dress out of the closet and sport it with an appropriate fake fur shawl.  It's just hotter that way.
Don’t: Wear anything new, except shoes, gloves, and outer wear.
Do: Wear gaudy, gaudy costume jewelry made before 1955.
Don’t: Wear any jewelry made after 1955 unless your grandmother or some other benefactor gave it to you.
Do: Wear a scarf that matches whatever you’ve got on your legs.
Don’t: Match your handbag with your shoes unless you’re trying to look crazy.
Do: Wear a dress instead of a skirt and a blouse.  Pants are right out unless you have an unusually persuasive pair of culottes.   
Don’t: Wear a dress, hose, and shoes all of the same color. 
Do: Wear clean clothes, fresh hosiery, and a properly sized slip.
Don’t: Wear anything with holes in it unless the holes are conveniently located on the back of the garment and you are prepared to engage in acrobatic feats in order to remain facing your date at all times.  We only recommend going to these lengths for truly amazing articles.
Do: Wear cowboy boots, even if they're scuffed. They're likely to be your best shoes.

Unsolicited Advice #6: Internet Stalking

While tempting, ultimately unavoidable, and rewarding, stalking new lovers on the internet is totally tasteless.

Never admit to having done it.  This exercise in post-hoc self control is especially important since you inevitably find that their prose styling is profoundly disappointing.  It's better to pretend not to know.