Etsy handicrafts, when displayed on the body or in the home, mark their owner as a supporter of DIY culture. We spent our youths crafting identities, homes, and outfits from reformulated social detritus, a personal, messy process.
While we unconditionally encourage you to support our nation's artisans, we cannot recommend abdicating the pleasure of creation.
You can't do it yourself by proxy.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Unsolicited Advice #22: Dress your boyfriend like a man
Residing in a wonderland of hipster delights, we briefly entertained the notion that a visit to a swanky men's store would allow us to inject a little freshness into our boyfriends' wardrobes. However, our trip to Stag on South Congress was an unmitigated disappointment.
Gentle reader, we hail from the dark north woods. We ply chainsaws up there, and one of us is no stranger to the utility of the quilted padding on the right shoulder of a plaid chamois shirt. We appreciate the beautiful utility of men's outdoor work wear and we sympathize with the erstwhile businessman who wishes he spent more time engaged in manly outdoor pursuits. These days we wish we did too.
There is an undeniable sexiness to once-stiff articles worn down by a single body's exertions into a shape at once intimate and protective, an unselfconscious record of experience. Machine-worn articles just don't fit the same way.
Rather than spending $150 on a butter-soft dove grey chamois shirt for your office-bound boyfriend at Stag, head to Cabella's and buy him a solid-color Woolrich chamois shirt. Make him wear it on a bunch of hikes. See if you can get him to split some wood.
We promise good results.
Gentle reader, we hail from the dark north woods. We ply chainsaws up there, and one of us is no stranger to the utility of the quilted padding on the right shoulder of a plaid chamois shirt. We appreciate the beautiful utility of men's outdoor work wear and we sympathize with the erstwhile businessman who wishes he spent more time engaged in manly outdoor pursuits. These days we wish we did too.
There is an undeniable sexiness to once-stiff articles worn down by a single body's exertions into a shape at once intimate and protective, an unselfconscious record of experience. Machine-worn articles just don't fit the same way.
Rather than spending $150 on a butter-soft dove grey chamois shirt for your office-bound boyfriend at Stag, head to Cabella's and buy him a solid-color Woolrich chamois shirt. Make him wear it on a bunch of hikes. See if you can get him to split some wood.
We promise good results.
Unprovoked attack #3: Your wedding, your problem
If you have decided to be united with a beloved in holy matrimony, don't expect your friends to give pints of blood in service of "your special day". It is in poor taste to have maids at your wedding who are responsible for managing your hysteria. When the mascara and the nylons begin to run, don't run your ladies, run to your wo/man.
If you don't trust him/her enough to pick up the pieces of your broken plate, then you shouldn't be even asking those ladies to plunk down serious change on the unflattering taffetas your mother-in-law to-be selected via a series of polemical emails to the full bridal party.
If you don't trust him/her enough to pick up the pieces of your broken plate, then you shouldn't be even asking those ladies to plunk down serious change on the unflattering taffetas your mother-in-law to-be selected via a series of polemical emails to the full bridal party.
Unsolicited Advice #21: How to develop and deliver an apology
When you have done something deeply wrong, for example picked a fight with your boyfriend at four AM, reparations are in order. It is your responsibility to demonstrate that you have a scheme to avoid future peregrination down the path that led to your reprehensible behavior.
Step-by-step instructions:
*The Dewey Decimal number for Self Help is 150. The more enterprising, or less literate, might also look to hermit in a cave.
**User discretion is advised here. It is often unnecessarily self-indulgent to share your plan.
Step-by-step instructions:
- Stop it!
- Say you're sorry
- Set aside some time for self-reflection, either in solitude or in the company of a helpful friend (not the aggrieved party)
- Identify the pattern of thought or deed that induced you, an otherwise kind and caring person, to comport yourself like a selfish fool
- Describe that pattern in precise, nonjudgmental human language (i.e. "lack of compassion" not "being dumb as a stump")
- Draw up a self-improvement plan that directly addresses the pattern in question*
- Express your contrition to the injured party again. Take responsibility by laying out the etiological relationship between your unfortunate pattern and the crummy thing you did.
- Consider sharing your self improvement plan with the target of your onslaught**
*The Dewey Decimal number for Self Help is 150. The more enterprising, or less literate, might also look to hermit in a cave.
**User discretion is advised here. It is often unnecessarily self-indulgent to share your plan.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Unsolicited Advice #20: Sex Ed
We would like to address the following post to our nonexistent male readership.
We are unable to recommend unsafe sex.
Regrettable as the condom may be from an aesthetic point of view, health and safety render it indispensable. Here, then, is a list of guidelines for the tasteful supply, disuse, use, and disposal of the sanitary rubber:
(1) If you happen to possess a penis, where ye be, so too let a profuse supply of condoms be (and glycerine-free lube).
(2) Don't flash yer condoms.
(3) When the time is ripe (and we will address the question of relative temporal ripeness when the time for such a discussion itself hangs heavy from the vine), be forthcoming with your condoms. Don't make your sexual interlocutor ask.
(4) Give foreplay its due, but as soon as the zipper of your well-stuffed britches descends (be it by agency of fingers or teeth), pull out the condom.
(5) Be prepared to sheath your own member, but be open to alternatives.
(6) Latex is a parching material. The wearer thereof assumes full responsibility for the application and reapplication of lubricant.
(7) Don't be stingy with your supply. If either orgasm or apathy should occasion an interlude, the lifespan of our latex friend has come to an end. Be prepared with a fresh one for later.
(8) When the sex has arrived at a conclusion, remove the condom and dispose of it (repackaged in its wrapper) in an appropriate receptacle.
We are unable to recommend unsafe sex.
Regrettable as the condom may be from an aesthetic point of view, health and safety render it indispensable. Here, then, is a list of guidelines for the tasteful supply, disuse, use, and disposal of the sanitary rubber:
(1) If you happen to possess a penis, where ye be, so too let a profuse supply of condoms be (and glycerine-free lube).
(2) Don't flash yer condoms.
(3) When the time is ripe (and we will address the question of relative temporal ripeness when the time for such a discussion itself hangs heavy from the vine), be forthcoming with your condoms. Don't make your sexual interlocutor ask.
(4) Give foreplay its due, but as soon as the zipper of your well-stuffed britches descends (be it by agency of fingers or teeth), pull out the condom.
(5) Be prepared to sheath your own member, but be open to alternatives.
(6) Latex is a parching material. The wearer thereof assumes full responsibility for the application and reapplication of lubricant.
(7) Don't be stingy with your supply. If either orgasm or apathy should occasion an interlude, the lifespan of our latex friend has come to an end. Be prepared with a fresh one for later.
(8) When the sex has arrived at a conclusion, remove the condom and dispose of it (repackaged in its wrapper) in an appropriate receptacle.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Unsolicited Advice #19: How to Carry Your Belongings
We support the trend away from shoulder-slung bags on cyclists and pedestrians. Backpacks and fannypacks are much more tasteful, if only because they balance the load on your body. Taking care of yourself is always sexy.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Threat #2
One of the most tasteless misinterpretations of tact is the currently popular practice of listing prices as whole and mixed numbers without dollar signs. By taking away the common signifiers of price ($ and the format X.XX), hipster cafes can delude themselves into the illusion that they are above the commonness of money.
If you want to subvert the grotesque way our economic system works and are tempted to list your prices in this tasteless manner, the editors of this blog can offer more effective methods of challenge.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Unsolicited Advice #19: Tasteful hospitality
It is always and forever tasteful to offer refreshments to guests upon arrival. Whether you are hosting in your cubicle, your dorm room, or somewhere where you control the kitchen, make sure your guests feel welcome by offering them a little something. Tiny cookies and tea are not your only options. Chips and beer may be more welcome. I know a flawlessly elegant 91 year old woman who informs her guests of the state of her marijuana stash immediately upon their arrival at her palatial 1950's ranch house. Try to tailor your friends to your cupboards or your offerings to your friends. Either way works.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Sven Markelius
Sven Markelius (1889-1972) was one of the most important modernist Swedish architects and a major forerunner of Swedish functionalism. He played an important role in the urban planning of post-war Stockholm. Inspired by Le Corbusier and Bauhaus, the Swedish functionalists presented variations on French styles of functional furniture at the radical Stockholm Exhibition of 1930.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Character Assassination #2: Real! Live! Tastelessness!
"The ontological structure of our emotional lives is totally Buddhist inspired."
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Unsolicited Advice #17: Instant Message Etiquette
Nobody likes feeling snubbed. But with the casualness of the instant messaging medium sometimes one gets involved in a conversation at an inopportune or inconvenient time. This is particularly true because a conversation can be started by one party without the other party's consent. The protracted process of polite conversational extrication can in those instances be too much.
We give you permission to sign off abruptly with no real excuse.
Just be sure to include a salutation and to sign your communication with your initial or name.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Announcement #3: "Earth Day" and Dentistry Edition
You and I (and everyone except for Astronauts and astral-projection experts) live on Earth every ever-loving day. We are dependent on Earth's habitability every ever-loving day.
The Earth is like your teeth. You need them and use them every day. So you brush them every day. If you only brushed your teeth once a year your teeth would fall out.
The Earth is not your teeth. It's not going to fall out or rot. Instead it's going to reject us like a healthy immune system rejects a nasty virus. Or reject us like a reasonable woman rejects a subpar man. Basically, like the dentally short-sighted child, we're setting ourselves up for failure.
"Earth Day" is not "everyday" when riding your bike is incentivized once a year. And while I'm on the subject, what's up with giving out non-vegan cookies and free coffee to folks who say they didn't drive? How does that convince folks to stop living lives dependent on the depletion of the systems that keep our planet habitable?
It doesn't.
"Earth Day" is clearly not "everyday." "Earth Day" is just plain never.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Invite to Opine #3: facebook
This blog's editorial staff is married on facebook. We find that our faux-union is a pleasing simulacrum of our real-life long term, committed best friendship. But we also know that marriage is a real state for some folks and that our misapplication of the "relationship type" function on that website is perhaps dishonest.
What are the taste issues involved in misrepresentation on social networking sites?
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Character Assassination #1: Shoes, rouge, and bikes
In the interest of developing a less judgmental tone here on the blog, we have decided to begin the painful process of disclosing our own tastelessness through attacks on our own aesthetic choices.
We are sometimes pretty tasteless here at Practical Aesthetics. We wear too much makeup in the daytime. We use blogger. We use drop bars, gears, and multiple sprockets. We think Denver is cooler than Portland and that Centralia is coolest of all. We go to psychobilly shows in sketchy warehouses and free klezmer shows at the community center. We ride the bus a lot. We carry our things around in canvas bags. We dress inappropriately for the weather. Most days at least one article we’re wearing needs mending. We get our knees muddy, tear the inseam of our right pant legs, get grease on our cuffs, and generally sully our appearances, all without taking the time to change or wash. We bike and text and talk on cell phones on the bus. We are tactless in our questions, in our answers, and in our correspondence. We use facebook. We are unabashedly political about almost everything. We dance like hippies in the 1990’s. We wear too much cologne. We talk too loudly on the street and in restaurants. We sometimes don’t bathe often enough. We wear cowboy boots with men’s 1980’s shorts and those god-awful athletic socks from the 1970’s with dresses. We both own Patty Loveless’ bluegrass album and play it regularly. Sometimes we bring books on dates, just in case. We still like Calvin Johnson’s “Loose Banana.” We wait tables dressed like prom queens, drag queens, and 1950’s housewives on dolls. We show up at our office jobs in ridiculously frilly little dresses, children’s clothes, socks with holes, and last night's makeup still smeared on our faces. We bike in high heels.
The most tasteless thing we do, however, is refer to each other as “my best friend.” We’re 27, folks. And we still have best friends. Nothing could be more pre-pubescent. Except if we wore side ponytails. Which we do.
We are sometimes pretty tasteless here at Practical Aesthetics. We wear too much makeup in the daytime. We use blogger. We use drop bars, gears, and multiple sprockets. We think Denver is cooler than Portland and that Centralia is coolest of all. We go to psychobilly shows in sketchy warehouses and free klezmer shows at the community center. We ride the bus a lot. We carry our things around in canvas bags. We dress inappropriately for the weather. Most days at least one article we’re wearing needs mending. We get our knees muddy, tear the inseam of our right pant legs, get grease on our cuffs, and generally sully our appearances, all without taking the time to change or wash. We bike and text and talk on cell phones on the bus. We are tactless in our questions, in our answers, and in our correspondence. We use facebook. We are unabashedly political about almost everything. We dance like hippies in the 1990’s. We wear too much cologne. We talk too loudly on the street and in restaurants. We sometimes don’t bathe often enough. We wear cowboy boots with men’s 1980’s shorts and those god-awful athletic socks from the 1970’s with dresses. We both own Patty Loveless’ bluegrass album and play it regularly. Sometimes we bring books on dates, just in case. We still like Calvin Johnson’s “Loose Banana.” We wait tables dressed like prom queens, drag queens, and 1950’s housewives on dolls. We show up at our office jobs in ridiculously frilly little dresses, children’s clothes, socks with holes, and last night's makeup still smeared on our faces. We bike in high heels.
The most tasteless thing we do, however, is refer to each other as “my best friend.” We’re 27, folks. And we still have best friends. Nothing could be more pre-pubescent. Except if we wore side ponytails. Which we do.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Unprovoked Threat #1: Comment on Pauline Garvey
Some time ago, in the midst of a caffeine-fueled paper-writing frenzy, we posted without comment a pithy observation by an Irish Anthropologist, a Ms. Pauline Garvey. Sharing with her an interest in Norwegian aesthetics, we stumbled upon one of her papers about the framing of “practicality” in the justification of home decorations decisions and were overcome with admiration. So we posted a quote and went back to social theory and data flow diagrams.
We would like to comment now.
Pauline Garvey is brilliant in her incision of the whole concept of practicality. She slices away at the favorite justification of the hipster/housewife/construction worker and we like the cuts she makes. Applying a kind of rhetorical analysis beyond our sophistication, she tears to ribbons the concept that anyone truly decorates their home in a “practically” superior way. In her analysis of her qualitative data, she draws chalk-line parallels between the Norwegian-home-owner-described “practical aesthetic” of Norwegian homes and normative control.
We’re going to bone up on whatever it was she did and we’re going to do it, too.
So if you think you wear Vans because they’re practical, or if you think you wear jeans because they’re comfortable, or if you think you shower because it’s “just a good idea,” you have another think coming.
And we’re bringing it. Watch yourself, because we’re going to do a series of posts on the speciousness of “practicality” as justification.
We would like to comment now.
Pauline Garvey is brilliant in her incision of the whole concept of practicality. She slices away at the favorite justification of the hipster/housewife/construction worker and we like the cuts she makes. Applying a kind of rhetorical analysis beyond our sophistication, she tears to ribbons the concept that anyone truly decorates their home in a “practically” superior way. In her analysis of her qualitative data, she draws chalk-line parallels between the Norwegian-home-owner-described “practical aesthetic” of Norwegian homes and normative control.
We’re going to bone up on whatever it was she did and we’re going to do it, too.
So if you think you wear Vans because they’re practical, or if you think you wear jeans because they’re comfortable, or if you think you shower because it’s “just a good idea,” you have another think coming.
And we’re bringing it. Watch yourself, because we’re going to do a series of posts on the speciousness of “practicality” as justification.
Unsolicited Advice #17: Monday Mornings When the Weekend's Toll is Large
It is better to go to work - even if you are late, wan, and poorly dressed - than to not go at all.
So what if the only outfit you can compose makes you look like a frumpy 12 year old boy who got home after dark? Who cares but you if you’re a-game is jammed behind the toaster at home?
Go anyway. Just hide in your office and soothe yourself with coffee and cigarette breaks.
Your at-work reputation is not so spotless that another speck will really impact the overall level of tarnish. We promise.
So what if the only outfit you can compose makes you look like a frumpy 12 year old boy who got home after dark? Who cares but you if you’re a-game is jammed behind the toaster at home?
Go anyway. Just hide in your office and soothe yourself with coffee and cigarette breaks.
Your at-work reputation is not so spotless that another speck will really impact the overall level of tarnish. We promise.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
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