Practical Aesthetics

Unsolicited Advice #20: Sex Ed

2010-06-01T18:02:00.001-07:00

We would like to address the following post to our nonexistent male readership.

We are unable to recommend unsafe sex.

Regrettable as the condom may be from an aesthetic point of view, health and safety render it indispensable. Here, then, is a list of guidelines for the tasteful supply, disuse, use, and disposal of the sanitary rubber:

(1) If you happen to possess a penis, where ye be, so too let a profuse supply of condoms be (and glycerine-free lube).
(2) Don't flash yer condoms.
(3) When the time is ripe (and we will address the question of relative temporal ripeness when the time for such a discussion itself hangs heavy from the vine), be forthcoming with your condoms. Don't make your sexual interlocutor ask.
(4) Give foreplay its due, but as soon as the zipper of your well-stuffed britches descends (be it by agency of fingers or teeth), pull out the condom.
(5) Be prepared to sheath your own member, but be open to alternatives.
(6) Latex is a parching material. The wearer thereof assumes full responsibility for the application and reapplication of lubricant.
(7) Don't be stingy with your supply. If either orgasm or apathy should occasion an interlude, the lifespan of our latex friend has come to an end. Be prepared with a fresh one for later.
(8) When the sex has arrived at a conclusion, remove the condom and dispose of it (repackaged in its wrapper) in an appropriate receptacle.

Unsolicited Advice #19: How to Carry Your Belongings

2010-04-07T12:14:00.000-07:00

We support the trend away from shoulder-slung bags on cyclists and pedestrians. Backpacks and fannypacks are much more tasteful, if only because they balance the load on your body. Taking care of yourself is always sexy.

Threat #2

2009-11-21T12:37:00.000-08:00

One of the most tasteless misinterpretations of tact is the currently popular practice of listing prices as whole and mixed numbers without dollar signs. By taking away the common signifiers of price ($ and the format X.XX), hipster cafes can delude themselves into the illusion that they are above the commonness of money.

If you want to subvert the grotesque way our economic system works and are tempted to list your prices in this tasteless manner, the editors of this blog can offer more effective methods of challenge.

LILEKS.COM

2009-11-15T20:39:00.001-08:00

This photograph is one of a delightful collection of 1930's kitchens on display at http://www.lileks.com/30s/index.html.

Unsolicited Advice #19: Tasteful hospitality

2009-07-15T09:32:00.000-07:00

It is always and forever tasteful to offer refreshments to guests upon arrival. Whether you are hosting in your cubicle, your dorm room, or somewhere where you control the kitchen, make sure your guests feel welcome by offering them a little something. Tiny cookies and tea are not your only options. Chips and beer may be more welcome. I know a flawlessly elegant 91 year old woman who informs her guests of the state of her marijuana stash immediately upon their arrival at her palatial 1950's ranch house. Try to tailor your friends to your cupboards or your offerings to your friends. Either way works.

Sven Markelius

2009-06-07T19:29:00.001-07:00

Sven Markelius (1889-1972) was one of the most important modernist Swedish architects and a major forerunner of Swedish functionalism. He played an important role in the urban planning of post-war Stockholm. Inspired by Le Corbusier and Bauhaus, the Swedish functionalists presented variations on French styles of functional furniture at the radical Stockholm Exhibition of 1930.

Character Assassination #2: Real! Live! Tastelessness!

2009-05-19T13:26:00.001-07:00

"The ontological structure of our emotional lives is totally Buddhist inspired."

Unsolicited Advice #17: Instant Message Etiquette

2009-04-26T12:11:00.000-07:00

Nobody likes feeling snubbed. But with the casualness of the instant messaging medium sometimes one gets involved in a conversation at an inopportune or inconvenient time. This is particularly true because a conversation can be started by one party without the other party's consent. The protracted process of polite conversational extrication can in those instances be too much.

We give you permission to sign off abruptly with no real excuse.

Just be sure to include a salutation and to sign your communication with your initial or name.

Announcement #3: "Earth Day" and Dentistry Edition

2009-04-22T08:01:00.000-07:00

You and I (and everyone except for Astronauts and astral-projection experts) live on Earth every ever-loving day. We are dependent on Earth's habitability every ever-loving day.

The Earth is like your teeth. You need them and use them every day. So you brush them every day. If you only brushed your teeth once a year your teeth would fall out.

The Earth is not your teeth. It's not going to fall out or rot. Instead it's going to reject us like a healthy immune system rejects a nasty virus. Or reject us like a reasonable woman rejects a subpar man. Basically, like the dentally short-sighted child, we're setting ourselves up for failure.

"Earth Day" is not "everyday" when riding your bike is incentivized once a year. And while I'm on the subject, what's up with giving out non-vegan cookies and free coffee to folks who say they didn't drive? How does that convince folks to stop living lives dependent on the depletion of the systems that keep our planet habitable?

It doesn't.

"Earth Day" is clearly not "everyday." "Earth Day" is just plain never.

Invite to Opine #3: facebook

2009-04-21T08:21:00.000-07:00

This blog's editorial staff is married on facebook. We find that our faux-union is a pleasing simulacrum of our real-life long term, committed best friendship. But we also know that marriage is a real state for some folks and that our misapplication of the "relationship type" function on that website is perhaps dishonest.

What are the taste issues involved in misrepresentation on social networking sites?

Unsolicited Advice #18: French Rap

2009-04-16T09:40:00.000-07:00

Why not.

Character Assassination #1: Shoes, rouge, and bikes

2009-04-16T09:01:00.000-07:00

In the interest of developing a less judgmental tone here on the blog, we have decided to begin the painful process of disclosing our own tastelessness through attacks on our own aesthetic choices.

We are sometimes pretty tasteless here at Practical Aesthetics. We wear too much makeup in the daytime. We use blogger. We use drop bars, gears, and multiple sprockets. We think Denver is cooler than Portland and that Centralia is coolest of all. We go to psychobilly shows in sketchy warehouses and free klezmer shows at the community center. We ride the bus a lot. We carry our things around in canvas bags. We dress inappropriately for the weather. Most days at least one article we’re wearing needs mending. We get our knees muddy, tear the inseam of our right pant legs, get grease on our cuffs, and generally sully our appearances, all without taking the time to change or wash. We bike and text and talk on cell phones on the bus. We are tactless in our questions, in our answers, and in our correspondence. We use facebook. We are unabashedly political about almost everything. We dance like hippies in the 1990’s. We wear too much cologne. We talk too loudly on the street and in restaurants. We sometimes don’t bathe often enough. We wear cowboy boots with men’s 1980’s shorts and those god-awful athletic socks from the 1970’s with dresses. We both own Patty Loveless’ bluegrass album and play it regularly. Sometimes we bring books on dates, just in case. We still like Calvin Johnson’s “Loose Banana.” We wait tables dressed like prom queens, drag queens, and 1950’s housewives on dolls. We show up at our office jobs in ridiculously frilly little dresses, children’s clothes, socks with holes, and last night's makeup still smeared on our faces. We bike in high heels.

The most tasteless thing we do, however, is refer to each other as “my best friend.” We’re 27, folks. And we still have best friends. Nothing could be more pre-pubescent. Except if we wore side ponytails. Which we do.

Unprovoked Threat #1: Comment on Pauline Garvey

2009-03-23T14:03:00.000-07:00

Some time ago, in the midst of a caffeine-fueled paper-writing frenzy, we posted without comment a pithy observation by an Irish Anthropologist, a Ms. Pauline Garvey. Sharing with her an interest in Norwegian aesthetics, we stumbled upon one of her papers about the framing of “practicality” in the justification of home decorations decisions and were overcome with admiration. So we posted a quote and went back to social theory and data flow diagrams.

We would like to comment now.

Pauline Garvey is brilliant in her incision of the whole concept of practicality. She slices away at the favorite justification of the hipster/housewife/construction worker and we like the cuts she makes. Applying a kind of rhetorical analysis beyond our sophistication, she tears to ribbons the concept that anyone truly decorates their home in a “practically” superior way. In her analysis of her qualitative data, she draws chalk-line parallels between the Norwegian-home-owner-described “practical aesthetic” of Norwegian homes and normative control.

We’re going to bone up on whatever it was she did and we’re going to do it, too.

So if you think you wear Vans because they’re practical, or if you think you wear jeans because they’re comfortable, or if you think you shower because it’s “just a good idea,” you have another think coming.

And we’re bringing it. Watch yourself, because we’re going to do a series of posts on the speciousness of “practicality” as justification.

Unsolicited Advice #17: Monday Mornings When the Weekend's Toll is Large

2009-03-23T13:52:00.000-07:00

It is better to go to work - even if you are late, wan, and poorly dressed - than to not go at all.

So what if the only outfit you can compose makes you look like a frumpy 12 year old boy who got home after dark? Who cares but you if you’re a-game is jammed behind the toaster at home?

Go anyway. Just hide in your office and soothe yourself with coffee and cigarette breaks.

Your at-work reputation is not so spotless that another speck will really impact the overall level of tarnish. We promise.

Alexander Calder's Jewelry

2009-03-18T18:43:00.001-07:00

Richard Powers' Architectural Photography

2009-03-11T18:08:00.001-07:00

You can see more of Richard Powers' photography at http://www.richardpowers.co.uk

Unsolicited Advice #16: Getting People to Participate

2009-03-09T16:38:00.000-07:00

When soliciting participation in an unsavory, challenging, or otherwise daunting activity, it is uniformly tasteful to motivate your interlocutor with a brief, recriminatory "Cowboyup."

The Misapplication of Math #1: Size

2009-03-03T07:53:00.000-08:00

Introduction:

As a popular, witty blog of note, we feel motivated to deliver this message:

The cult popularity of skinniness, while seductive like Hedwig's more provocative dance numbers, doesn't really deliver on the making-your-life-suck-less front.

Methods:

Take it from someone whose closet contains 2s, 4s, 6s, 8s, and 10s. (I'm a real-life statistician, so you can trust me):

Let X=dress size.

Let Y=relative happiness, measured by the inverse of the number of times folks on the streets tell you to smile.

Given the cultural belief that skinnier selves are happier selves, let the null hypothesis be (where a is just some scaling factor):

Y=-aX

Results:

After a long data collection period (we're talking over a decade here) with significant variation in the independent variable, and through ordinary least squares regression, I have rejected the null at alpha=0.01 and developed this crappy model, whose r-squared value reflects that the unexplained variation is pretty much all the variation:

Y=100X

Discussion:

Skinnier = more people telling me to smile. By a large factor. And if you've never been told to smile by a stranger, then I'll let you know this: It sucks.

Policy Implications:

If only emotions listened to econometric reason the way the Federal government does, maybe there would be implications.

A. Gander (2009, forthcoming)

Unsolicited Advice #15: Deal with illness tastefully

2009-02-22T11:16:00.000-08:00

When one finds herself laid up, whether with a head-banging injury or a nasty cold, it is tasteful to hide. Don't try to go out with your friends and act as if the affliction is minor. They can always tell that it is not and they will fret about you, removing the net benefit from your presence.

Instead, stay home with your dog and read a trashy 1920's society novel or some trashy 1990's non-fiction. Sleep.

Skip the Sudafed. It will only induce you to write ill-advised emails and blog posts, and it might convince you that you are well enough to leave your house. Which you should not do.

Illness is like pregnancy before 1965 - an affliction whose presence in society is unwelcome. This may explain your housemates' strange, unflattering clothing selections while ill.

Invite to Opine #2: Coffee Shop Judgement

2009-02-20T14:22:00.001-08:00

If you saw a young woman in a coffee shop with a small but substantial stack of pink advice books and a little trove of page-flags furiously typing away on her laptop, what would you think?

a) She's clearly just been dumped/just realized that being single is a crime against the patriarchy/just been hassled by her mom about not being hitched. She must be composing an internet dating profile in her desperate attempt to make it all better.

b) She's clearly procrastinating writing her thesis by reading those trashy books.

c) She's clearly writing an academic paper with some really horrible source material.

d) I'm going to go hit on her right now.

Unsolicited Advice #14: Be More Like the Sundance Kid

2009-02-20T14:19:00.000-08:00

It is completely tasteful to crouch and mime fancy gunslinging while crossing streets or coming around corners. Ignore the stares. They're all just jealous.

Consumer Frenzy #6

2009-02-16T12:00:00.000-08:00

Delaunay scarf from Le Train Bleu: $169

Mid-century sterling silver TAXCO earrings from Green Gloves Vintage: $52

Vintage sequin and turquoise necklace from Rebecca Williams Sako Jewelry, who I discovered on Inhabitat, a green design web site. While you're there, check out Christiane Diehl's recycled rubber creations.

Strand textile necklace from Hier Apparel on Etsy: $45

Consumer Frenzy #5

2009-02-12T22:09:00.000-08:00

Rachel Comey silk dress: $540

IvanaHelsinki Bird Printed Silk Scarf: $154
Kim White handbag: $170

Patawatomi bag from the Lucky Star Western Americana Gallery: $495

Breathless!

2009-02-12T17:00:00.000-08:00

Some time in the 80's, Jim McBride remade Godard's Breathless for an American audience, and this evening one of this blog's authors had the opportunity to watch the second half of said film with her uncle. There's a great scene where cop-killer Jesse Lujack (Richard Gere) and his hot French girlfriend Monica Poiccard (Valerie Kaprinsky) arrive at an 80's warehouse dance venue, the pigs in hot pursuit, in order to collect some cash that Jesse has coming. Jesse's sleazy friend critiques the plaid pants he's been wearing throughout the second half of the film, urging him to acknowledge (even as the police search lights drag the room) that style is important, and hands him the blazer off his own back. We couldn't agree more. Without that blazer, where would Jesse Lujack be? Dead, that's where.

Consumer Frenzy #4: Susan Knopp Enamels

2009-02-09T21:34:00.000-08:00

$125
$55

$55

Invite to Opine #1: Pants

2009-02-09T14:28:00.000-08:00

Regular readers may have noticed that we hate pants.

However, we are willing to admit that there are occasions on which pants are tasteful. Our comprehensive list follows:

Onboard a submarine

While big game hunting

Loyal followers are invited to proffer their proposals for the expansion of this list. We'll consider them.

This post co-authored by Seaspawn and Seawrack and gander.

Theory #7: Pauline Garvey on Practicality

2009-02-09T09:53:00.000-08:00

We can understand practicality, that ubiquitous justification for consumption and decoration choices, as "an idiom through which an acceptable image of individual priorities is projected."

How to Have a 'Good Home': The Practical Aesthetic and Normativity in Norway. 2003. Journal of Design History, 16(3).

The Dating Destination

2009-02-05T19:47:00.000-08:00

When facing the daunting challenge of selecting a suitable dating destination, the painfully sensitive among us are frequently overwhelmed by the complexities of the choice. The arboretum, whose trees' latin name tags will compose themselves into a love poem of sorts through the course of your stroll? Acer argutum Ficus macrophylla Paeonia japonica. Construct a poem. A planetarium, a la Manhattan? (If God fails to grace you with a rainstorm from which to seek shelter, a preparatory shower may be advisable). This point may strike some as obvious, but food is good. Why? Because it fills the mouth, obviating conversation. Among the alternatives, choose a venue:

(1) that you have dined at at least twice, so that you will be familiar with the space, and feel fairly certain that the food is consistently good.

(2) whose fare you anticipate digesting comfortably, under the worst of circumstances. Sushi, for example, rather than barbeque.

(3) that is counter-cultural neutral.

(4) where the food is shared. Again, sushi, Ethiopean, tapas are good choices, because they introduce a little intimacy to the dining experience, and enable you to observe how your date handles thorny financial questions (does he/ she offer to pay for everything? suggest you split it down the middle? Offer absolutely nothing or all-too-eagerly accept your offer to pay?)

(5) whose bathroom lighting is flattering, so that you can find a little affirmation in the mirror every time you take a trip to the toilet.

(6) that is not super-cheap, but is affordable regardless of your income. You don't want your date to face the embarrassment of ordering nearly nothing, though he/ she is ravenously hungry, because he/ she can't pay for the entrees.

(7) that serves drinks, so that in case things are going well (but perhaps not amazingly well), you aren't confronted by the awkward moment of deciding together whether to relocate to a bar in order to continue your conversation.

Announcement #1

2009-02-04T06:52:00.000-08:00

The editors of this blogodrome, Practical Aesthetics, are unabashedly dames. Our advice is designed for our own consumption.

If you're butch or masculine or a dude or what-have-you, use our advice at your own risk. Despite our abiding interest in gender piracy, we are only really experienced in the art of feminine gender performance. From what we can tell masculine gender performance requires lots of props and words we don't understand.

Bros?

Unsolicited Advice #13: Western Wear

2009-02-03T16:13:00.000-08:00

The fortunate but indigent recipient of an invitation to a dinner in a nice restaurant may ask herself, “What the devil do I wear?”

We here at Practical Aesthetics are uniquely positioned to answer this question. We are intermittently indigent and consistently only willing to shop at thrift stores on half off day. But even given our limited access to the newest fashions in Portland’s Pearl District boutiques and Boulder’s Pearl Street salons, we manage to be fabulously dressed for all our fancy dinner dates.

The secret is to be young, to pay attention to color and fabric, and to not care what’s cool. Until recently we had no idea how important the first condition was. But as we approach our late twenties (we’re rat Aquarius and rat Pisces here), we are beginning to notice the toll of late nights in confusing loud bars, late nights in paper writing agony, late nights in proof writing agony, and early mornings with the dog.

But while we’re all still young…

Do: Have the courage to drag your 80's prom dress out of the closet and sport it with an appropriate fake fur shawl. It's just hotter that way.
Don’t: Wear anything new, except shoes, gloves, and outer wear.
Do: Wear gaudy, gaudy costume jewelry made before 1955.
Don’t: Wear any jewelry made after 1955 unless your grandmother or some other benefactor gave it to you.
Do: Wear a scarf that matches whatever you’ve got on your legs.
Don’t: Match your handbag with your shoes unless you’re trying to look crazy.
Do: Wear a dress instead of a skirt and a blouse. Pants are right out unless you have an unusually persuasive pair of culottes.
Don’t: Wear a dress, hose, and shoes all of the same color.
Do: Wear clean clothes, fresh hosiery, and a properly sized slip.
Don’t: Wear anything with holes in it unless the holes are conveniently located on the back of the garment and you are prepared to engage in acrobatic feats in order to remain facing your date at all times. We only recommend going to these lengths for truly amazing articles.
Do: Wear cowboy boots, even if they're scuffed. They're likely to be your best shoes.

Unsolicited Advice #12: St. Valentine's Day

2009-02-01T13:09:00.001-08:00

This unfortunate holiday is peppered with land mines and rat traps for the hopeful young romantic with any self-respect. Chocolates in heart shaped boxes are acceptable gifts for your daughter or grandmother, but are not okay for someone you want to sleep with anytime soon. Even in this grim age which has grown deaf to the language of flowers, a dozen roses still transmits a clear signal concerning a donor's sentiments. However, snooty young ladies everywhere will not fail to discern an unflattering lack of reflection in the choice of blossom.

The sensitive lover will turn to handmade gifts and cards and creatively selected bouquets (perhaps including barren branches). Tasteful gifts can also originate in the examination of the donor's own many loves (love for books, love for Scandinavian death metal, and so forth).

And on a petty personal note, one of the authors' regrettable past boyfriends informed her upon the receipt of a complete set of Proust's In Search of Lost Time, bound in beautiful vintage hardcover, that the gift was inappropriate because it reflected her passion, not his. He was wrong.

This post co-authored by gander and Seaspawn and Seawrack.

Declaration

2009-02-01T09:08:00.001-08:00

We wish to announce that February is the most tasteful month. It successfully avoids the pitfalls of the pessimistic Fall months. (November's depression is unpleasantly reminiscent of Centralia or Shelton in the 1990's.) It manages not to reflect the unbridled enthusiasm of the Spring months. And, while Summer's sultry and painfully hot sensuality is highly popular, popularity is certainly no good measure of tastefulness.

February may not be popular. February may not be sexy (unless you are into sweaters and tights). February may not be an up-and-coming band with dirty bass.

But February is sufficiently distinctive (frigid!) and not too riotous.

Unsolicited Advice #10: A reminder.

2009-01-27T09:03:00.000-08:00

As previously discussed on these pages, it is still totally tasteful to blame "the recession economy" where you might otherwise have blamed the vengeful fates.

Example: "I keep getting flats on my bike. It must be the recession economy."

Unsolicited Advice #9: Wear the same clothes again.

2009-01-24T18:09:00.000-08:00

Take a page from the less-is-more playbook and choose a few fabulous outfits to wear again and again. It will make your life simpler when you're busy. It will make you look great more often (unless you have a unfailing preternatural knack for outfit composition). It will make you more like my Norwegian grandmother. It will make you memorable. And it will give you permission to wear that amazing red velvet dress more often.

Edward Steichen: In High Fashion

2009-01-19T23:15:00.000-08:00

See the New York Times' slide show of Edward Steichen's fashion photography at

http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2009/01/15/fashion/20080115-Steichen-feature/index.html

Art Deco Architecture

2009-01-12T18:02:00.001-08:00

Check out the collection of beautiful Art Deco architectural details at http://www.decopix.com (unfortunately, I couldn't upload any of them here; these are from other sources).

Architect Ray Kappe

2009-01-05T17:26:00.001-08:00

Unsolicited Advice #8: How to Look Like a Small Child Playing Dress-Up

2009-01-05T16:42:00.000-08:00

In college, I had a professor who dressed in drag every day. One day, she would show up as a maid, the next day in a chinsy red Flamenco costume that clashed with her red hair. In her honor, then, try to amuse yourself when you're getting dressed.

(1) There's absolutely nothing wrong with pairing a gold necklace with silver earrings.

(2) Wear all the jewelry you own at once.

(3) Strap up slightly oversized dresses with multiple belts or swaths of fabric wrapped around your torso.

(4) Excessive elegance of dress should be offset by humble footwear.

Vintage Fabric

2008-11-16T17:16:00.000-08:00

Steampunk Computer Design

2008-11-09T18:40:00.001-08:00

A fascinating attempt to reconcile contemporary technology and Victorian aesthetics. On his site http://steampunkworkshop.com, creator Jake von Slatt describes how he builds his anachronisms.

Consumer Frenzy #3: Hier Apparel

2008-11-08T08:50:00.000-08:00

Some selections from Hier Apparel on Etsy:

Wool Felt collar, $90

Leather and metal necklace, $150

Restaurant Ethics

2008-10-20T18:06:00.000-07:00

Several guidelines for restaurant-going:

(1) Always take the less advantageous chair (i.e. the one with the worse view, back to heavy traffic, etc.).

(2) Ask the person you're with whether they're ready to order before proceeding to order yourself.

(3) Interrupt your conversation when the server approaches your table.

(4) Thank the server for everything, including water refills.

(5) Never ask for a different table once you're already seated.

(6) Wait until after you've ordered to use the bathroom.

(7) Never ask what someone at another table is eating.

(8) Order a coffee for dessert at the very least, so your companion feels comfortable getting something if they're so inclined.

(9) Never leave a restaurant once you've already been seated.

(10) If you're paying for another person, never suggest that they get the cheapest thing on the menu.

(11) Assume that you're splitting the bill, unless otherwise discussed.

Theory #5: Max Weber

2008-10-05T08:57:00.000-07:00

"The powerful personality does not manifest itself by trying to give everything a 'personal touch' at every possible opportunity. The generation which is now growing up should, above all, again become used to the thought that 'being a personality' is something that cannot be deliberately striven for and that there is only one way by which it can (perhaps!) be achieved: namely, the whole-hearted devotion to a "task" whatever it (and its derivative 'demands of the hour') may be. It is poor taste to mix personal questions with specialized factual analyses."

Unsolicited Advice #7:Be More Like John Wayne

2008-09-28T11:35:00.000-07:00

Hip-slung belts, especially when colorful or gaudy are totally tasteful. Strap one on.

Consumer Frenzy #2: Objets

2008-09-21T22:26:00.000-07:00

I recently stumbled across the website for Objets Plus New York, which offers at discreetly unspecified prices, an enchanting collection of antique furnishings.

An unusual globe iron fixture with cut out scalloped shapes suspended from 4 iron rods, with 5 arms plus a center light,as is, Continental mid 20th century, wired for electricity

A highly unusual rusted Art Deco period iron stand on 4 legs, Continental

A Dutch Baroque period walnut and mahogany deux corps cabinet, with diamond pattern veneer, serpentine commode base with 3 drawers (with one hidden drawer below) and upper 2 door cabinet with an open pediment top, mid 18th century

A Napoleon III period low chair, round back and round seat, gilt and polychrome decoration on a black background, scalloped apron, antique upholstery, Continental, c.1880, as is

Fabric Necklaces

2008-09-21T20:46:00.000-07:00

Danny Mansmith textile necklace.

Ruff from an Elizabethan costume designed by William Ivey Long.

Make a textile necklace from vintage upholstery fabric. The simpler your design, the better, though consider adding texture with seams or embedded wires, as in the Elizabethan ruff.

Dresses

2008-09-15T14:14:00.000-07:00

As someone who wears dresses and skirts most days, this arbiter of taste would like to weigh in on the comments characterizable by the phrase "Oh, I love to see a girl in a dress."

It's tasteless. I'd love to see you in a dress, Buddy.

I'm looking fine today because I want to, not because I want you to be pleased by my conformist femininity.

Unsolicited Advice #7: Cite the Economy

2008-09-07T20:16:00.000-07:00

Blame "the recession economy" for all poor fashion, relationship problems, and purchasing mistakes.

It's the new "mercury in retrograde."

Unsolicited Advice #6: Internet Stalking

2008-09-07T17:39:00.000-07:00

While tempting, ultimately unavoidable, and rewarding, stalking new lovers on the internet is totally tasteless.

Never admit to having done it. This exercise in post-hoc self control is especially important since you inevitably find that their prose styling is profoundly disappointing. It's better to pretend not to know.

Tasteless Flaunting

2008-08-20T09:00:00.000-07:00

Bumper stickers are at very best minimally tasteless. But the perfusion of round, bubble lettered, grotesquely-cute-figured bumper stickers proclaiming that "Life is good" fulfill every criterion of tastelessness we know.

While we certainly condone flaunting curvaceous earlobes, flouncy hips, and delicate ankles, we do not condone flaunting privilege. The issue here is similar to the distinction in tastefulness between costume jewelry (eminently tasteful) and gaudy displays of precious gems (horribly tasteless). If you have the strange fortune to live in the most-consuming country in the world and drive an SUV (or wear t-shirts, or do anything really), for golly's sake don't proclaim in stupid bubble letters that "Life is good."

Theory #4: Aguste Comte

2008-08-19T08:58:00.001-07:00

From The Positive Method and Its Application to Social Phenomena: "... respect for our ancestors is the basis of a sound social order." He also pretty much thinks that revolution is the result of increasing specialization in the absence of religious communion.

Your grandmother wanted you to have good manners. So unless you want to destroy the social order, you'd better demonstrate your respect for her by figuring out which forks to use when and how to write a thank you card. This blog can help.

If you are one of those kids who wants to set the social order asunder and you're not content with using the fish fork for your salad or skipping church to get really good at algebraic topology, please contact the editorial staff of this blog immediately. We've got advice.

Unsolicited Advice #6: Prerequisites for Party Attendance

2008-08-17T12:18:00.001-07:00

Never arrive at a party without a gift. My mother, a woman of little planning and huge generosity, regularly picks up stones from the driveway on her way to a gathering. Gifts of stone, plant, or pastry are especially welcome. Call them hostess gifts even if the recipient is male.

A Tastefully Feminine Spine

2008-08-15T20:49:00.001-07:00

Unsolicited Advice #5: Get Gussied Up and Go to the Beach

2008-08-06T09:05:00.000-07:00

That's right, fair readers, we're recommending that you look past the nylon-strapped sandals in your closet and pull out some fabulous cowboy boots. Resist the temptation to wear anything with an elastic waist on your next trip to the place where waves crash against the sand. Instead layer on the pencil skirts, sequin-embroidered tops, and sweet floral scarves. Don't forget to wear plenty of large baubles. Just leave any truly precious jewels at home. Get out to the back of the food coop and find one of those wooden pear boxes to keep your at-home stash of jewels and treasures in one place, safe from the waves' vicious thievery.

Theory #3: Archibald Alison

2008-08-04T14:31:00.000-07:00

From "Associationism and Taste Theory in Archibald Alison's Essays" by Steven A. Jauss:

Some earlier taste theorists had appealed to associationist psychology, but they did so primarily to help explain away the obvious diversity of responses to almost any object of taste: private emotional associations with an object, they suggested, often corrupt the process by which individuals arrive at judgements of beauty, thereby giving rise to the apparent diversity of tastes [. . . .] Alison, however, dramatically expands the role of that psychology in taste theory by arguing that genuine aesthetic experience (the "emotion of taste") just is the experience of a special sort of "train" of emotional associations with an object.

Children Prepare for Their Divergent Destinies

2008-08-04T13:21:00.000-07:00

I like the microcosmic effect of a doll's house or architectural model displayed as wall or coffee table decoration.

Two Images of Queen Mary's Doll House

Derelict Doll House

Modern Mid-Century Inspired Doll House

Mexican Doll House

Lundby Doll House

Panorama Doll House

Heather Benning's Life-Sized Doll House

Theory #2: The Problem of Taste

2008-07-30T22:01:00.000-07:00

The Problem of Taste

From the "Problem of Taste" at the Pinocchio Theory blog:

When we are free only as consumers, the market replaces all other forms of contestation and valuation. Conflicts that might have been resolved at other times through violence and coercion, or consensus and negotiation, or voting, or other political processes, are now adjudicated entirely through cost-benefit analysis and the mechanism of prices. This also means that the only form of judgment is aesthetic judgment.

Unsolicited Advice #4: Introduce Yourself if Your Host Fails to Do So.

2008-07-30T10:03:00.000-07:00

Joining this blog's editorial staff represents the consummation of a lifelong dream.

Unsolicited Advice #3: Hypothetical Walls

2008-07-29T12:57:00.000-07:00

Frame vintage wallpaper samples in repainted thrift store frames.

Consumer Frenzy #1: Mid Century Modern Jewelry

2008-07-25T01:51:00.001-07:00

After over a year, the ornate botanical motifs of these art nouveau-inspired earrings have grown a bit tired. Wood Cut-Out Earrings from South Street Designs on etsy, $20

Deco Drop Earrings from le train bleu, $88

Modern mid century jewelry, with its abstract geometric shapes and textural emphasis, is sadly underrepresented on the streets of Portland, a problem which I for one will do my part to correct. Check out the collection at 20th Obsession, which is impressive, though pricey. For more affordable wares, look to Recyklotron.

Chrome Mobile Earrings from Recyklotron, $20

Sterling Oval Modernist Earrings by Polly Stehman, circa 1960 from 20th Obsession, $225

Sterling Abstract Cast Earrings, circa 1960's from 20th Obsession, $150

Coro Necklace from Recyklotron, $30

Theory #1: Bourdieu

2008-07-24T23:39:00.000-07:00

"Taste classifies, and it classifies the classifier. Social subjects, classified by their classifications, distinguish themselves by the distinctions they make, between the beautiful and the ugly, the distinguished and the vulgar, in which their position in the objective classifications is expressed or betrayed." (from 'Distinction' by Pierre Bourdieu)

Unsolicited Advice #2: Wear Vintage Hair Combs

2008-07-24T23:03:00.000-07:00

Vogue magazine cover from 1923

Trends #3: Nouveau Decau

2008-07-24T15:45:00.000-07:00

Speaking of art deco, this 1920's woven silk furnishing fabric (available through Kathleen Taylor) is lovely:

As is this 1970's art deco inspired upholstery fabric:

Unfortunately, the recent resurgence of deco style fabrics has been less successful, as exemplified by these dumpy maternity shir ts from Anthropologie.

Compare with this dress by Natalia Goncharova from 1924.

Trends #2: For The Birds

2008-07-24T12:38:00.000-07:00

This feathery friend, which can be found on etsy, is merely the foreflier of a flock as vast as that which menaces the characters in Hitchock's The Birds. Why are birds, particularly those of the quasi-biblical swallow varitety featured in this necklace (from Sabine Cayet Tucci of Pudding), so ubiquitous?

This highly stylized little charm is one of many manifestations of a general return to the aesthetics of art deco.

Unsolicited Advice #1: Wear Adjacent Colors

2008-07-23T01:56:00.000-07:00

Disregard the disembodied voices warning you away from wearing more than one shade of a color. These bracelets' adjacent colors (kelly green, pea green, and olive) and contrasting materials (plastic, Bakelite, and wood) make them an appealing, if slightly unnerving, trio.

Trends #1: Hideous hybrids

2008-07-18T11:22:00.000-07:00

Sketchers Voyager Trip

Allegiance by Poetic License

Sugar Women's Smokin Cat Flat

The above featured abomination, hybrid offspring of ballet slipper and Converse tennis shoe, is characterized by playful canvas prints, toes "dipped" in rubber, and unconventional fastening devices. This cheeky shoe dares you to call it ugly. I accept the dare.

Can insensate life forms really be held accountable for their tastefulness?

2008-07-17T18:51:00.000-07:00

The answer is yes. This specimen of Philodendron scadens, also known as "Sweetheart Plant" or "Parlor Ivy" is an especially egregious offender. Seduced by the facility with which Philodendron scadens can be grown from cutting, many an unsuspecting home decorator is victimized by this cliched citizen of the vegetable kingdom. Other unfortunate choices include the Asparagus fern, Dumb cane, Peace lily, Schefflera, Ficus benjamina, Spider plant, and Table fern.